The Running-Away Diary: Clinton's Cane
I promise… this is the last one! For four years at least, until we get Neil Mallon Bush vs. the demented ghost of Bernie Sanders – and by demented, I mean suffering from senile dementia. Anyway, it’s Mike Pence vs. Tim Kaine – two old white guys going at it for the first time since the Expendables 3! I think Mike Pence might be slightly less eloquent than Sylvester Stallone with botox injections. Speaking of Pence, I’m surprised that Donald Trump hasn’t left him for a younger and hotter running mate yet, even though the GOP said that Pence had won an hour ago! On a related note, aren’t ‘Christina Christie’, ‘Marcela Rubio’, and ‘Unshaved Bush’ near the top of the Hot Girl Name power rankings? (it’s worth mentioning that Carly Fiorina didn’t crack the Top 10).
This debate isn’t worth the drinking games – two experienced politicians who have some sense of decorum… it promises all the fireworks of Al Gore & Jack Kemp! This can’t be more ridiculous than Trump brawling with a former Miss Piggy… er, Universe, so let’s throw out some prop bets. What’s more likely to happen…
- Kaine playing the harmonica when asked about Hillary’s e-mails, or Pence attempting to blow the figurine of Christ he uses as a back brace?
- Kaine drinking too much water and peeing his pants because he’s too polite to ask for a break, or Pence eating a taco bowl from Trump Tower and offering some to moderator Elaine Quijano because he thinks all immigrants are Latinos?
6:04PM – I’m surprised that Tim Kaine wasn’t the one kicking around balloons at the DNC. I really hope he’s planning on naming his next daughter Kandy. The phone call between the two VPs coordinating which colors they were wearing must have been incredible.
6:07PM – When you hear the words ‘insult-driven campaign” and “spinning out of control”, which ticket do you think of?
6:23PM – “Honestly… you can roll out the numbers… BUT” must have been the mantra of conservatism ever since that iconic Megyn Kelly moment in 2012.
6:27PM – I sure hope Tim Kaine stops talking about specifics on his gun control plan… we’re telling the guns exactly what we’re going to do! I think Bill pushed really hard for Tim Kaine as the VP pick, since Clinton-Cane was one of the many nicknames for his penis.
6:38PM – Funny that Pence is denying institutional racism when this debate is essentially a glass of milk against a slice of unhealthy bread. Pence makes even Kim Davis look a little too gay – he signed a ‘religious freedom’ act a couple years ago that lets Christians whip their metaphorical (okay, literal) dicks out and spray their Christianity all over us.
6:42PM – Tim Kaine seems a little out of his element playing attack dog, saying that Pence can’t defend anything Donald Trump has said. It’s kind of like when Channing Tatum tried to be a serious actor (e.g. Dear John, G.I. Joe, Side Effects, Foxcatcher, Jupiter Ascending) instead of excelling in a more laid back role (e.g. Step Up, Jump Street, Magic Mike, Hateful Eight).
6:48PM – Mike Pence’s laugh is mostly his mouth contorting weirdly while his vocal cords try to make sounds. It’s slightly haunting, to the point where even Jeb Bush would call him low-energy. On a related note, he said a few weeks ago that his role model was Dick Cheney! Let’s hope Cheney invites him hunting as a thank-you.
6:53PM – I think the “feckless” count is approaching the Sean Hannity-count from last debate. I actually had to look up what it means – lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible. One of the actual synonyms is ‘basket of deplorables’.
6:57PM – Interesting to see the role reversal where Tim Kaine is the one constantly interrupting. He’s making Pence look like a normal person… this is the same man whose daughter doesn’t show up in mirrors because she’s a vampire.
7:04PM – Pence backpedals on safe zones near Aleppo so fast he almost crashes into the wall that Donald Trump wants to build. Aren’t conservatives against the super-liberal concept of safe spaces by the way?
7:13PM – Kaine misses the opportunity to say ‘then why do we need to make America great again’ after Pence praises the US economy and political system. Both candidates are avoiding answering any questions from the moderator, which is a weird strategy by Kaine, as it’s established that questions have a well-known liberal bias.
7:31PM – Kaine goes into lovable dad-mode and talks about his faith, while Pence reminisces about the time when abortions and gayness were illegal – around the time that Pence used to be a Catholic Democrat (recognized by a beautiful Pence quote to finish off the debate, “I try to spend a little time on my knees every day”). Isn’t having Christianity supersede his duties as a public servant essentially just a white-washed Sharia Law? CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!!!
This definitely felt more debate-esque – more crosstalk, a little bit rougher moderator control, and the usual levels of testosterone we expect from one of these things. See you in three years!