The Tinder Rises, The Tinder Falls
Oh you too-good-for-dating-app single people. It’s only a matter of time until you hasten toward the town. Whether you make one because a ‘friend’ dared you to, or because you just wanted to get matches to see how many you could get, or just so you could have another mindless activity to pass time on the can, the day is coming. You’ll download it – perhaps even letting it stay dormant on your phone for a few weeks, to convince yourself that it has no power over you. You’ll open it – and quickly rummage through the settings to go invisible before anyone can catch a glimpse that you of all people could have succumbed to such a lifestyle. You’ll even get a match here and there without committing the sin of ‘trying’ to make a good profile, you’ll remark to yourself as you casually swipe away the notification before it attracts unwanted eyes.
It starts with making a good profile as the twilight darkens and the curlew calls. While you’re busy being a judgmental bitch on other people’s profiles, they’ll definitely take the opportunity to do the same to you. Wearing a snapback might mean that you’re balding a little bit. If you don’t have six pics or you mention your Instagram handle instead of just linking it, it’s probably telling that you’re not social media savvy. Not mentioning your career/field might mean it’s not worth mentioning, but having a professional photo means that you take yourself too seriously. Having sunglasses could mean that you’re perpetually hungover. Not having a bio means you rely on what you think are good looks – mine says “Required FICO score above 619.” So try to avoid doing, you know, literally any of those things – maybe just try a picture of you doing a duck face or using that weirdly sexual dog face filter.
And then you have to go through all that effort of talking, which is substantially more work than it is in real life. What if a girl says, “I’m working on this math homework instead of going to a bar tonight,” then you have three whole things to talk about. Three things! Math, work, and bars. Or even prioritization – that’s four. If you want to talk about math, you could branch off into how you’re a badass nuclear engineering student who cries into his pillow damp and brown every time he has to deal with five group differential equations, bringing out that tortured genius in you. You can also tell them how you work two jobs, just so you can give the impression that you’re put together but not too well off. So it’s pretty much like regular conversation, but you have the blue-ball inducing twenty hour buildup before the person responds to plan out your next message.
It’ll just take one person – one to message you first, one to be annoyingly attractive enough to linger in the back of your head for a tad too long, one app reminder that you have more likes and you can start swiping again. But that works both ways, since the feeling can evaporate from the tips of your fingers and nevermore will you return to this shore to quench your thirst. The time in between these two feelings is of paramount importance, as you only have a short window to make it feel like this venture is worth it. The Tinder rises, just as the Tinder falls.