Drafting For Your Thrones Fantasy League
Welcome to Thrones week! In anticipation of the Season 7 finale on Sunday, explore the weirdness of Westeros with one piece every day! Spoilers through the episode "Beyond the Wall".
With all of the important sports coming back into season – sorry baseball, you don't count – as Thrones enters its offseason, it seems like some of the characters will need some part time jobs. Unfortunately, we can only pick from the characters that are still alive, since dead people aren't of too much use.
Starting Quarterback: This one's easy, courtesy of his impeccable spiral and patience in the pocket. It's the Night King! He could have panicked any time and started throwing deep balls at Jon, but he waited for the opportune moment and nailed it.
Backup Quarterback: This can be taken up by Jon Snow, but with the very specific condition that he has to take Colin Kaepernick's eventual job. After all, he's suddenly really good at bending the knee.
Kicker: Another easy one – Tyrion's low center of gravity gives him a clear view of the ball. No butt fumbles here.
Holder: Bran. These guys don't really have to move. Or think. Or anything, really. And if Bran gets kicked, it's not too big a loss anyway.
Center: This is a tough one, since centers have a quite a unique job. They have to pass the ball to the quarterback between their legs, while simultaneously not getting crushed by the defensive line. Lord Varys would be quite good at this, because his lack of balls means that he'd have more space to get the most important ball in play.
Tight End: Since these are hybrid players who receive and block, Cersei is a logical fit. She's done a lot of back-and-forth with all the visitors on her doorstep, deciding whether to receive them or bar them from the capital. Although, if she does like a finger in the bum, she may not have a tight end for much longer.
Wide Receivers: If they have any stick-em spray in Westeros, Jaime Lannister would be golden for this one. He could give an all new meaning to the term 'magic hands'. Plus, he'd be excellent at giving someone the Heisman. On the other side, Euron is up-to-bar, since he might just be the fastest character in Westeros. You can use Jaime for short first downs, and Euron for the deep ball, or when you need to sail all the way around Westeros by the end of the quarter.
Slot Receiver: I'll take zombie-Viserion here. Not only does he have excellent speed on the outside – the dragons flew from Dragonstone to north of the Wall in record time – but he trumps the other two dragons because of his ice-breath. Burning someone alive seems like it'd be a penalty; freezing them, however, is a good strategy to slow them down.
Running Back: Gendry is a tempting pick, but Arya makes a strong case as well. The former trudged through snow for what seemed like hours, but we have no way of knowing how his footspeed would translate to land. The latter has been on the run for years now, although she does have a bad habit of not looking over her shoulder.
Defensive Tackles: The best tackles are the ones who seemingly see the play before it's going to happen, the ones that know where the QB is headed and how to get there. For this, we turn to Thoros of Myr and Melisandre, our two favorite red priests who conveniently have vague future-seeing powers. The flames may not always be clear, but they only really need to be clear on third down.
Linebacker: It's hard to not go with The Mountain here, especially since zombie-Mountain is like an assassin. Remember when he sought out one specific guy in King's Landing to smash his head against a wall? That's the kind of guy I'd want going up against my quarterback. It feels cheap to throw in The Hound as the other linebacker, but he showed quite the revenge streak after his new family was murdered. Besides, don't you want to see him standing over a QB's limp body thinking, "you're shit at dying, you know that?"
Free Safety: Here, we can go with the guy who's been called on to defend a number of people – first Catelyn Stark, then Tyrion, then Jaime. It's Bronn! No one in the realm has more experience switching from player to player. He is prone to holding out for a paycheck, so make sure you get him that guaranteed money quick!
Strong Safety: Littlefinger has been playing defense for quite a while, and he's exceptional at creating confusion. Find a way to get him into the opposing team's huddle and he'll find a way to sow discord. As long as there are no redhead cheerleaders non the sidelines, we're good to go.
Long Snapper: Ah yes, it's easy to forget about special teams, just like it's easy to forget about Sam. Sam's quite good at snapping, so much so that he ruined an important plot detail by mansplaining and snapping at Gilly.
Kick Returner: One of the more nuanced positions, since they only show up every now and then for a few seconds at a time, but incredibly important in the right circumstances. That description matches Ser Jorah, who gets tossed around quite a bit, but always seems to find a way to return.
Notable waiver-wire players: Tormund Giantsbane, Beric Dondarrion, Sansa Stark, Brienne of Tarth, Ghost