Sitting On The Same Side
We oftentimes find ourselves at a crossroads of sorts, a point where a decision must be made. On occasion, this may even be literal – deciding whether to take the stairs or the escalator, whether to go the kitchen to warm up a pop-tart or to head directly to class with an empty stomach, or even whether to change lanes while you’re waiting for the incredibly slow car in front of you to get out the fast lane.
Sometimes, these kinds of decisions occur in the confines of a restaurant. The waiter (because we’re being classy here) always leads you to the perpendicularly oriented table, where your ultimatum awaits. Do you follow the societal rules and the law of common sense to sit on opposites of the table? Or do you in the name of all that is holy, ignore all reason and proceed to the occupy space on the same side? Do you live our life by the rule of law, or do you commit sin in the eyes of the lord? For it isn’t simply irrational that you sit on the same side. It’s objectively unreasonable.
The presumable purpose of sharing a side is so that you can be physically close, because it’s foolish to think that two people could go a full half hour without having to feel the other’s outer clothing. It’s a rather unenjoyable experience to gaze at someone out of the corner of your eye, away a distance at which you can measure the radii of their pores. You might as well give your neck a repetitive strain injury from the swivel it’s on – going from food to person back to food every few seconds. You might even spray them with the noxious combination of spittle and stray culinary debris every time you talk.
Besides, you miss out on all that good facial stuff like eyebrow raises, eye rolls, nose twitches, jaw hardens, and more. Barely any elbow room means that you have to employ the feeding technique of the Tyrannosaurus Rex – fitting, considering how archaic of a practice it is for men to keep their women close at all times, and to use the same room for eating as bedding.
(Sidenote: pay attention to the person that sits on the aisle side if it’s a booth. That’s the one who’s protective of the other one. Also if it’s just chairs and you’re sitting on the same side, you’re worse than John Boehner’s description of Ted Cruz)
But – you interject – what if I want to show them something on my phone? You may have forgotten that your eyes are quite talented, apparently more so than your brain in this case. Try it – take a piece of paper or a book and place it 90 degrees sideways… you can still see it with your eyes! And read it with your eyes! And even widen your eyes when you realize that you probably should be spending time with the person instead of your phone. Talented, indeed. A healthy relationship should make you work to see that all-important social media content.
While all these thoughts pass through your mind, you may realize that you’ve gotten quite hungry, and that you want to sample some of your partner’s food. Instead of sitting in a geometric configuration that would allow you to reach across the table, you’ve chosen to reach over your partner’s arms, preventing them from eating food and likely sowing the first seeds of resentment.
At least the crotch grab is an easy go-to.