Jeb Can Fix It: The Facebook Newsfeed
After five excruciating months of campaigning and falling down polls faster than firemen, maligned legacy kid Jeb Bush changed his slogan from a rather lively ‘Jeb!’ to the more authoritative and manly ‘Jeb Can Fix It.’ As the latest disgrace to the family name, Jeb won’t have time to fix a lot of things – the MLB as we previously explored, and Facebook as we delve into today.
Does anyone remember MySpace? Yeah, that site that had a peeping Tom who just wanted to be your pal, and where you could actually rank your friends for the world to see? Go on myspace.com right now, and see how cool it looks… I created an account for fun, and it was actually enjoyable. Besides having Justin Timberlake – who bought the site for $35 million – play opposite me in ‘Friends with Benefits 2” (also called ‘Frenemies with Benefits’), there’s no way anyone could get me to use it. And that’s because the sour taste of 2006 still hasn’t left my mouth – a time when the MySpace feed was cluttered with weird colors, autoplaying music, and an inconvenient messaging system. Facebook, the new norm, is trending dangerously the same way.
Jeb’s Diagnosis: "When you create pockets of isolation — it's wrong.”
And Jeb’s right. Even though he was talking about how he hates multiculturalism, it totally applies here. The reason people moved over to the non-isolated world of Facebook was because it was clean, authentic, and standardized – admittedly, all elements which Jeb isn’t familiar with. But not knowing things has never stopped him from talking about them before.
Why the Fuck is there a ticker – President Bush cares about every voter, but he also knows that some voters matter more than others (in his case, the ones who invest money). We don’t have to see what friends of friends are doing on that ticker, we only care about the ones who invest their time in us. You know where all the stuff in the ticker goes? The news feed! The original place that stuff used to happen!
Too many emotions – Have you ever seen a status talking about a family member that had passed or a goldfish with a urinary tract infection and thought to yourself, “I don’t want to like this because maybe someone will think that I like death.”? Jeb has. If so, you not only have very sharing-prone friends, but you probably don’t understand that likes are equivalent to shows of support. Despite this, Facebook has been smoking that Buzzfeed ganja and wants to add options to “love” and “yay” and “sad” things. Barring how stupid it is to say “Do you sad that?” or “How many angers do you have?”, you might as well add emotions for “Hah, Gay!” and “WHAT” just so we get the full spectrum.
Autoplaying videos – For someone who scrolls through the feed at a turtle’s pace, the videos start playing before you even get to them. And Jeb sure does know about turtles.
Messages are ugly – You know what you should put in that now-empty spot where the ticker was? Messages! Like the actual chat windows that you can collapse and stuff, so they don’t take up the bottom of the screen so that the newsfeed is barely visible. The Messenger team must be on cocaine because their iOS-esque design is so much prettier than the nasty main platform.
Split the feed – Adding trending topics was a good move, and even more important was giving them their own section. Why not just make the newsfeed tabbed, with one for friends, one for pages that you like, and one for trending topics? There’s no reason why not!
Well, ok then. Nevermind.