Jeb Can Fix It: Millennials
After five excruciating months of campaigning and falling down polls faster than jeans on a young black male, maligned legacy kid Jeb Bush changed his slogan from a rather lively ‘Jeb!’ to the more authoritative and manly ‘Jeb Can Fix It.’ As the latest disgrace to the family name, Jeb won’t have time to fix a lot of things – the MLB and Facebook as we previously explored, and millenials as we delve into today.
They’re the most spoiled, entitled, self-absorbed, detached, and overall shitty generation. It’s the generation that one of Jeb’s grandkids probably belongs to – probably why he sings the presidential swearing-in oath as a bedtime song every night, to keep the kid motivated.
And Jeb’s right. Even though it was his brother George that said it, Jeb doesn’t mind taking credit for his family’s non-accomplishments. Despite every older generation thinking that the younger generation is soft, this latest generation is undoubtedly the equivalent of Charmin tissue paper. You readers, all of you from the more respectable older demographics, you get it: speaking to you as a millennial myself, these fuckers shouldn’t even be alive. I’m so sorry that abortions weren’t legal. Oh, they were? Anyway…
People who like to study things – you know, people from Jeb’s generations who actually do stuff – have found not once, twice, but thrice that the we’re objectively shitty. Maybe that’s why we weren’t given a really cool name, like the ‘Greatest’ generation, or ‘Generation X.’ Maybe it’s because every time we remember the walk to school like you all do, it doesn’t get longer and more uphill.
We don’t know the real value of what it means to work, like Jeb has done his whole life, from the moment he met a U.S. president the second he was born. I can tell you that we don’t want to lace up our boots and save ten bucks a day to buy that hoverboard we’ve wanted for three and a half days. Sure we’ve dabbled in hard work – all six hours we babysat that one time for our aunt, even though we’ve already burned all that money looking cute for the hostess at Macaroni Grill. Sure, we could earn more money, but we deserve that fucking hoverboard! You all haven’t ever tried to go for shortcuts, even when they invented Word Star in the ‘80s – everyone should write using pen and paper, you lazy dicks.
Maybe my feeble coddled mind can’t handle these complicated concepts like Jeb can, but my mom told me I could do anything, so shut up. We show how materialistic we are by taking selfies with our ‘dope ride’ – which is what you in your day called an automobile. We just like having our smart shoes and fit watches, almost as much as people age 35+ like having an iPhone, because like, how else are we supposed to text our homies about our new rides? We seem addicted to the front-facing camera – which you would be too if it took 1080p photos, or if you’re Hillary Clinton (Jeb definitely didn’t retweet that). It’s only because our narcissistic tendencies were hardwired from how we were raised, or so my therapist told me while I tried to tell her my day in GIFs.
We’re so obsessed with our social media, something that Jeb’s actively taken steps to avoid being savvy about. When asking young’uns – albeit, young’uns from Texas Tech – about American history, they prefer to talk about Brangelina, which is technically worse than having some old geyzer go on a sexist, racist, or homophobic tirade about American history, right? We’ve been aptly termed ‘Generation Ass’ by a man whose peers spearheaded the Golden Age of Pornography (and a casual racist that’s not nearly as funny as he thinks). We’re easily distracted by our phones because fuck you, we showed up and we need something to do while we wait for our damn trophy.
It’s not like it’s only you Bush-era rich old white guys hate us millennials. Real-estate billionaire and part-time basketball game streaker Robert Sarver – who moonlights as, well, the moon (he’s the whitest guy you’ve ever seen) moaned about how “the millennial culture… [has] a tough time dealing with setbacks.” And he knows about dealing with setbacks – this is the guy who fired two assistant coaches in the midst of a losing streak, and then his head coach two months later in the middle of another losing streak. Nothing is our fault, even when we let one of our stray members somehow wander into the clutches of conservatism.
Jeb’s Prognosis: "I love my father and my brother… but I am my own man."