The Mehtric System
At some arbitrary point in history, the rest of the world decided to agree on a way to say how much of something they were talking about. After all, it got confusing when the Germans paid the Chinese in Volkswagens for the blueprints on how to build a convincing wall, only to realize they got ripped off after the wall’s main flaw was discovered to be social progress. Who knew. The French actually invited Thomas Jefferson to their super-politician meeting to figure out a universal system – a meeting that probably made CSPAN orgasmic – and promptly ignored whatever he had to say. They ended up choosing to add a bunch of prefixes onto the same word to indicate different sizes of that same word, like some kind of primitive folk. (Random tangent: and if that wasn’t lazy enough, they skipped a bunch of powers… what are you supposed to call 100,000 grams? One-tenth of a megagram? A hundred kilograms? In some cases they actually tried – a myria-gram is a multiplier of 10,000, but they stopped using it for some reason.)
After all, it makes a lot more sense to base lengths off a king’s foot and shoulder-to-wrist ratio that probably aren’t terribly accurate, but a whole lot more prestigious. You can practically picture the curled hair on the toes of Henry I every time you measure whether your Subway footlong is actually eleven inches. Too bad they didn’t use his penis instead – if they had, it would probably have made the Imperial system the worldwide standard. Instead, now the perfectly valid units of yard and pound are defined in terms of the meter and kilogram. The standard of American units – a funny term, considering how the world’s clearly-most-important-country doesn’t like to use the units of plebeians – has almost fallen to the depths of the American dollar in recent years. Let’s fix that. I bring to you a set of entirely new, never-before-seen units, from my mouth to my keyboard. Not literally of course, because well, that would be disgusting. You don’t know what’s been on your keyboard.
1 Montague: Defined as the distance from the front of Martinez commons to the incredibly popular sandwich shop known as Montague’s Gourmet Sandwiches. Also slightly shorter than Romeo has to walk through enemy territory to Juliet’s balcony in the Shakespeare-in-the-Park rendition. The basic unit of distance, i.e. “I’m hungry, but the closest food is a Montague away. Remember? That’s how the unit was defined.”
1 Bitchload: Defined as the fundamental amount of work or energy. Since the average female dog is about 70 pounds, and the pure conversion of energy yields about three quintillion Joules, a single bitchload is equivalent to over 600 megatons of TNT. That’s a lot of work. Not to be confused by the amount of energy it takes to lift up a bitch – not anyone in particular, but rather the proverbial bitch that’s out there.
1 Smash: Defined as the basic time metric, based on the daily amount of time wasted on playing Super Smash Bros. Prone to decline as each game ages, but subject to a sudden spike upon the release of a new title. Can be subdivided into Ganondorfs, the average amount of time it takes a lumbering-oaf-with-a-sword-he-can-not-use-for-some-reason to traverse the length of Hyrule Temple.
1 Curry: Defined as rotational inertia. Namely, the amount of backspin needed on a basketball to ensure maximum probability of getting a shooter’s roll off a three-point attempt. Also can be used for temperature, empirically determined to be the body temperature of a player who’s so good he can legally be deemed ‘on fire.’
1 Yeezus: Defined as the elementary unit of charge, more specifically as the amount of electricity that Kanye West burns from flamethrowers and other shenanigans at one of his multi-day concerts. Can be combined with the antiquated ‘Joule’ to denote J∙eezus, a metric of ego or arrogance.
1 Shitton: Defined as mass, and can be used in conjunction with ‘bitchloads’ to determine gravitational constants, and is marginally more than ass-ton, and considerably less than a f**kton. As the average amount of food consumption is approximately 5.47 pounds on the daily (which does translate to a literal ton over the course of a full year), and Americans waste about 40% of the food produced for consumption, this brings us to 2.18 pounds. Which would probably be just about equal to an asston, if we were using King Henry I to define these. Measured growth – let’s have 3 thank J∙eezus for that.