Ryan Lochte's Suicide Squad
It’s this kind of story that makes you reminisce for the stupid 2012 moments – like the now-relevant Boris Johnson getting stuck on a zipwire, or Tajikistan unexpectedly winning an entire medal. Because there’s nothing stupider than the man, the meme, Ryan “Reezy” (one of his actual nicknames) Lochte.
You’d think that standing alone at #13 on the all-time Olympics medal list would be your legacy. After all, everyone above him on that list is either a United States swimmer, or some foreigner with a hard-to-pronounce name. But after leaning on his teammates in the relay to secure his only (and possibly final) medal, he was embroiled in a controversy that embodied all the stereotypes people have about Americans – lying, disrespectful, and boisterous. And this was after NPR had already awarded him four gangbanging Venn diagrams and crowned him King Bro!
Quick Tangent: Did you think there could possibly be one more reason to be thankful for Michael Phelps? He not only gave us the Brett Favre-esque runaround of retirement rumors to debate about for the next year, but also made sure that we didn’t have to root for this dumbass out of obligation. Lochte even said that he’d be Phelps if Phelps wasn’t Phelps. Which, you know, he is. Couple this with Usain Bolt’s intimate night in with a drug lord’s widow, and Phelps’ lone bong hit looks further in the rear view mirror.
A quick recap – Lochte broke into a bathroom, broke shit inside that bathroom, shit in the bathroom (but outside of the toilet, since that pool of water wasn’t big enough), and lost their shit to some security guards. Apparently Lochte was jacked up on testosterone from using his 42 free condoms to the point that he – by his own account – stood up to the super scary graveyard shift security guards. Well it turns out that his account isn’t all that static – though that may be the $1 million he’s set to lose from all his endorsements falling through (notably, Speedo was afraid they’d have an image problem when their consumer base is largely middle-aged European men). In a classic case of the-cover-up-is-worse-than-the-crime, Lochte lied to his mom (!) and subsequently the rest of the world (in a storyline that M. Night Shymalan could learn from), probably so that he wouldn’t get smacked upside the head by his old lady.
Of course, he wasn’t alone in all of this. He had his teammates Jimmy Feigen, Gunnar His-Real-First-Name-Is-Joseph Bentz, and Jack Conger with him – teammates who are all younger than him, making him the de facto leader of the group. Using his boyish charm coupled with his manly frame, he presumably convinced them that disobeying him was a violation of the Bro code, and that he was really the Loch Mess Monster. He got them to parrot his story – which was almost as likely as Dick Cheney being the one pointing the gun at them – a story that he didn’t even need to make up! Did the bleach in his hair seep through to his brain? Is this a side effect of Zika or pH-imbalanced-water? All while booking a flight out of the country on the über ride home (or úber, as they call it in Rio) and leaving his fall guys behind.
But as said by Olympics spokesman and fully grown adult Mario Andrada (and I’m paraphrasing here), boys will be boys. Too bad that courtesy wasn’t extended to Gabby Douglas when she committed the crime of not putting her hand over her heart during the national anthem, or when it was suggested that swimmer Katinka Hosszu’s success was due to her husband, or when the spouse of gay beach volleyball player Larissa Franca was called her ‘husband’ by a commentator, or even when people wondered how Fu Yuanhui didn’t stain the pool red while swimming on her period.
That’s #SQUAD goals right? Y’all jokers must be crazy.