88 Questions About Star Wars Episode 8
Warning: approximately 88 spoilers to follow…
I'm glad that MoviePass saved me from actually spending any money on this dumb movie. It's telling that there was such a big disparity between the critics' rating and the audience one, but in the opposite direction you'd expect – 91% of critics approved, while only half of moviegoers did. It makes sense if you watch this film in a vacuum, where it's not a part of any franchise or doesn't carry a complex mythology and a set of rules. Think about the movie Passengers from late last year with Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence. It's a movie set in space with male and female leads, and a secondary unexpected male lead that pops up midway into the movie. They're fighting against a seemingly unsurmountable enemy (in that case, time), there's a bit of a creepy love story involved, and it ends with a death that's a bit of a letdown. Overall, it was somewhat of an enjoyable waste of time. Now, imagine that it was the eighth movie in a franchise, and that Pratt was descended from three generations of important people and Lawrence suddenly had telekinetic powers. Not so good anymore, huh.
Anyway, here are all the questions I had – somewhat in order – while watching the movie.
Wait, is that Carrie Fisher? Isn't Carrie Fisher dead? Didn't they have to CGI her in at the end of Rogue One?
How are the bombs 'falling' onto their targets? Are they propelled somehow? After all, this is space.
Why are they giving facetime to a lot of characters that get killed off in less than five minutes?
Why are the characters who are depicted as the primary antagonists never actually the boss? Vader took orders from Palpatine for some reason, and Ren takes orders from Snoke.
Why is this apparently un-findable island home to a Jedi temple? Wouldn't people know about it then?
Doesn't this blond Aryan dude just seem like a generic Pokémon boss? You know when you make it all the way into the enemy base and fight your way to the leader, and it's just an old white dude who lectures you about philosophy before you can fight him? I know that Armitage Hux is a super alpha name and all, but still…
Did Leia just do the Superman to get back to the ship? What?! This feels dumb already.
Why does Kylo Ren bother wearing a mask if he's going to take it off all the time? And if his employers get mad at him for wearing it?
Why does Kylo Ren wear a mask in the first place?
Where are the Knights of Ren? Wait, what are the Knights of Ren?
Should I refer to Kylo Ren mononymously as 'Kylo' or as 'Ren'? Well, Ren is just an affiliation… Kylo it is.
Did anyone else think that when Kylo Ren introduced himself, his name was 'Kai Lauren' pronounced like Ralph Lauren?
Was there really a need for that weirdly explicit milking shot?
Didn't Luke like blue milk instead of green milk?
How did Luke get the big milk animal to trust him enough to allow for milking?
How quickly does the weather change on this stupid island? It was raining 20 seconds ago and now it's sunny, and we haven't even changed scenes!
So Leia could use the force to allow herself to survive in space after being blasted out of a ship, transport herself back to said ship, but couldn't prevent herself from falling into a coma?
I think I've slightly gotten over the Leia force use, but it was still out of nowhere and too dramatic. The only thing more dramatic would be if she farted her way back to the ship, a method which actually pays some respect to Newton's laws.
I genuinely thought that Snoke was a giant person from all the holograms we saw in the last movie. So… why isn't he giant? Why is he just some normal sized dude?
Why is there a bad dark-side hole underneath the Jedi temple? Did none of the Jedi architects hear about 'location, location, location'?
What does this weird mirror thing actually do? It clearly doesn't do the exact thing you ask it.
I get that the wipes are iconic George Lucas, but since he's not involved anymore can't we just use normal transitions like fades?
How can Luke turn off his sensitivity to the force without actively using the force to suppress it? He said himself that the force permeates everything.
And how can Luke suddenly turn the force back on after decades of not using it?
Did Luke inherit his whiny bitchiness from his dad? You'd think it goes away with age.
This far-fetched Finn plan feels far-fetched. So they're going to take a ship, hope no one notices, try to find a hacker who they've never met and don't have a picture of, hope they don't get caught, somehow get on the enemy ship, sneak around (once again unnoticed), break into the control room, turn off the tracker, and alert the Resistance (again, without being noticed)? I realize I just re-stated their plan, but it's dumb enough that I had to ask.
And did we completely lose Finn's character motivation that quickly? A movie ago, he was a disillusioned storm trooper who genuinely believed in the resistance. Now, he's ready to cut and run at the hint of trouble.
Why is Kylo's voice in surround sound but Rey's isn't?
Is there any continuity in this movie? God these quick cuts are annoying.
Why can't Kylo see Rey's surroundings, but apparently Rey can see Kylo's?
Is Adam Driver's shirtless body somehow going to be responsible for Rey turning to the dark side?
Why was Benicio del Toro hiding out in a jail cell if he could have just escaped at any second?
Was there no fencelike enclosure around the stadium where these clearly dangerous beasts were held?
So Luke almost killed Ben Solo… even though he (several years ago) refused to fight against Vader, who at that point had done far more damage?
And throughout Kylo's rampage, where was Luke? Trapped under some wood or something? Completely unable to help?
Why did Vice Admiral Holdo not tell anyone what the plan was? I don't care that Poe Dameron was just demoted, or that there was the remote possibility of a spy on the ship. Not informing anyone caused a full-scale mutiny where Dameron was ready to blast them. She could have at least said 'we have a plan' instead of not saying anything.
Doesn't this feel like a good role for Admiral Ackbar?
And why did Dameron believe that Holdo didn't have a plan? For one second, he was fawning over Holdo's accomplishments in some battle or another, and he buys into the fact that she was content to just sit there and be destroyed.
Why wouldn't the First Order care about small transport ships leaving the Raddus? It seems like they would be very interested in these ships.
So if Kylo uses a red cross-blade, whose lightsaber is the original blue one that he used to fight off Luke?
Why is Yoda here? Why is it old Yoda and not young flippy somersault-y Yoda?
If Yoda is a ghost, how does he have the ability to make things blow up?
Since we somehow got Yoda, will there somehow be a Vader appearance in this movie? God, please let there be a Vader appearance to save this dumb movie.
Since when can Jedi control lightning? This is a Superman-level of dumb powers.
The First Order's security system was billed to be top-of-the-line, but apparently random codebreakers can also get past it? They didn't even get the codebreaker they set out for in the first place!
So this whole Finn adventure has been for no reason right? They didn't accomplish anything except to give away the Resistance's backup plan and get hundreds of people killed.
And did Holdo and Leia have nothing to say about Finn's plan? They just seemed to gloss over it without so much as a 'we should try to save him too' thought.
What??? They killed Snoke? Why?
Does that make him even more useless than Darth Maul, since he did way more showboating?
What was point of 1.5 movies of buildup? Ugh. We were just getting to know Snoke. We knew him just as much as we knew Rose's sister.
Why are the porgs so friendly with Chewie after they saw him kill one of their own for dinner?
I can't be the only one who doesn't like the Benicio del Toro character playing such a pivotal role, given that we were introduced to him about five minutes ago, right?
Did no one think to jump a ship through another ship before as an offensive maneuver? Was Holdo literally the first person to realize that this was a possibility? Because the Resistance lost two ships a few minutes ago that could have been used as worthy sacrifices.
Also, does this mean that the ship physically travels through the space it's trying to go? I assumed that lightspeed travel was effectively a teleportation technique, where they vanish in one place and reappear in another, but if it actually blew through the Supremacy, then it must mean it physically traverses a line from point A to point B. Which means that through sheer dumb luck or coincidence, every time someone has made lightspeed jumps, there just so happened to be no one in their way.
Why do these super-advanced futuristic ships still need someone to pilot them? Why couldn't someone hit the 'turn on lightspeed in thirty seconds' button and then get off?
Wouldn't having Leia pilot the ship to lightspeed as a sacrifice be a good send-off for the character?
How did Snoke not see that coming? I mean, I get the parallel, he only saw that Kylo was ready to kill his ultimate enemy and didn't realize that it was referring to him, but still, why didn't he get that? He just manipulated Kylo into getting Rey on board!
Also, why did Snoke suddenly regain trust in Kylo after he had explicitly shown weakness and halfhearted-ness?
Isn't the dark side of the force a cop-out for character development? Instead of actually honing motivations or working with personalities, you just have the excuse to say they were seduced by the dark side.
I'm still not clear – do you need to be a Jedi/Sith to use a lightsaber? Because Finn used one, and all of Snoke's guards can use weapons that are pretty much as good as lightsabers?
Why can't Kylo just use the Force to push away the guards, like Snoke was doing with Rey? Seems much easier than a long, drawn-out lightsaber battle. And struggling against some faceless guards is somewhat inconsistent after having murdered the supreme leader.
Couldn't Snoke have replaced all the troopers with these red guards? They're a lot more competent.
Is Kylo's name really Ben? The more I learn about Kylo, the less cool he becomes. It started when he took his mask off, and he wasn't really cool-looking. The coolest thing he did was probably the first thing we saw him do, which was freeze a laser blast.
Also, can you choose to customize your lightsaber however you want? Why is he the only one that has a crossguard?
Are Rey's parents going to end up being someone important? If it turns out that Kylo and Rey were twins then I'm fucking done with this franchise.
What was the point in showing Captain Phasma's face underneath the mask right before she was murdered? Was it to show that she, like Finn, is really just a human and not a faceless entity? Or am I reading too much into this ridiculous scene?
This can't be a JJ Abrams movie, can it? *checks* Oh wait, it's some dude named Rian, known for movies like Looper, Brick, and… that's it I guess.
Why did they even bother introducing Captain Phasma if they were just going to kill her off? And shouldn't she really be a better warrior?
How did Rey get to the resistance again? She just escaped the ship like that, and happened to wake up way before Kylo?
And how did Rey get to the Millennium Falcon? Didn't she get to the Supremacy in an escape pod while the Falcon jumped away?
Just to be clear, Rey woke up a lot sooner than Kylo, snuck away (again, without being noticed), found the Falcon, and just left? How?!
How are these really old fighter jets falling apart but the Millennium Falcon is fine even though it's just as old?
Was I the only one expecting a mouth kiss between Leia and Luke?
How did Rose take out Finn without also killing him? She drove a fighter jet straight into his fighter jet!
Wouldn't Finn have just burned up before even having a chance to destroy the battering ram cannon? Also is it a battering ram or a cannon?
Why is this even called the last jedi if Luke explicitly states that he's not the last jedi?
How fucking long is this movie?!
How did Rose and Finn get all the way back to the base? They must have been flying out to the First Order for at least five minutes, which means it had to be at least a half hour jog back, and that's without dragging an unconscious body.
How does Rey know how to use the force with such sophistication without any formal training? Even Anakin – the most powerful force-user ever – had his struggles.
Is this starting to feel like a Fantastic Beasts movie? We had the weird milk animals, the porgs, the racehorse dinosaur things, and these ice eevee-lutions.
So is Luke dead?
Did they kill Luke because they didn't want to pay Mark Hamill for another movie?
They really did name the kid Ben Solo huh? I'm still not over that! Ben was the boring shit-your-pants name that Obi Wan chose so that he could live in disguise, and that's the homage they chose?
Would a Jar Jar / Finn romantic storyline be more compelling than a Rose / Finn one?
Why did Luke choose to sacrifice himself to save a dozen people? If there is more of the Resistance out there, they probably don't give a shit about Leia since they didn't respond to her distress calls, so she's not even symbolically important anymore. What a waste.
Does it make this movie more tolerable considering that the previous movies weren't that great either?
Did Kylo kill Luke, or did Luke exhaust his body to use the projection? It's implied that projections can feel some part of the other person's environment, like when Kylo felt water. So Luke should have felt some pain from the duel, right?
This force projection thing is so overpowered. Why not invoke the late General Grievous and use six lightsabers instead?