The Hateful Eight: Republican Debates
We’re back on track for Hate Week! The last two didn’t really embody the vitriol that I’ve been holding in, so I’m going to cheat today and choose eleven targets – the leaders of the Republican presidential polls! I didn’t even bother watching the lower tier debate this time, partially because Rick Perry’s smug face is no longer in the race, and because Bobby Jindal is a disgrace to Indian-Americans. I’m also watching this two days late, so no spoilers! To the running diary:
0:30 – We’re in the library of Ronald Reagan (blessed be thy name). Let’s see how many Reagan-panderers we have tonight.
3:48 – Marco Rubio made a joke about bringing his own water because California was in a drought. But you used an effing plastic bottle Marco! I still like him.
4:24 – Ted Cruz left out his crippling affliction to “dumbface” in his 30-second intro.
6:52 – Carly Fiorina had about 5 seconds of awkward silence before she launched into her spiel, ironically the same amount of lag that any HP machine has.
10:01 – And Fiorina botches it. After Trump’s comment about Megyn Kelly following the last debate, Fiorina called him out on it. Now, given the chance to back up what she said, she shies away.
12:20 – Trump with an admittedly great line, “I never made fun of [Rand Paul] about his appearance, and believe me, there’s plenty of subject matter,” is slightly undercut by the fact that Trump’s eyebags are reminiscent of albino leeches clinging to his skin.
13:16 – Another one, “Governor Pataki wouldn’t be elected dogcatcher right now,” by Trump. I don’t think people like him as much because of his outbursts or his positions or his supposed ‘no filter’ as much as they enjoy his well-placed humor.
32:08 – There’s a lot of dick-swinging going on in cutting off the moderator. ‘Thank you Governor… thank you. Thank you.’
45:09 – Huckabee does his best to cast Kim Davis as the martyr of the war-on-Christianity. I mean, you know he’s all for law-abiding citizens and small government when he has people actively working against it who happen to support his views. (Quick Rant: It’s so STUPID. There’s a place for religious liberty. In your home, in your place of worship, to embody that as you walk down the street. But liberty is personal, not imperialist in nature. What if I wanted everyone to be vegetarian because it’s a tenet of my religion? A religion which I don’t really practice, but that’s besides the point)
56:48 – Carly Fiorina mic drops Donald Trump by saying (paraphrased) ‘Mr. Trump heard what Governor Bush said; women around the world heard loud and clear what Mr. Trump said.’
1:03:05 – Gotta love Trump calling out Jeb Bush’s wife for giving him a soft spot for Mexican people. You know, like having a gay son gives you a soft spot for gay marriage.
1:22:33 – And now we’re treated to the romantic history of Carly and Donald. Er… professional history. Can you imagine? At least Carly (61) is in Donald’s age range (69).
1:28:54 – Ben Carson (after calling Mike Huckabee ‘Doctor’) tell us how progressive taxes are socialist. Wonder where he’s been living for the last few decades.
1:30:00 – We’re only halfway through! And I’m nowhere as tired as one of these guys (or girl) is gonna be on Day 1 of their presidency… repealing Obamacare, defunding planned parenthood, cutting minimum wage, deporting illegals, redefining marriage, and blowing the wax figure of Ronald Reagan in Madame Tussauds.
1:39:28 – Marco Rubio is on point with all of his answers tonight. He also has several Obama mannerisms.
1:44:43 – Trump says he’s gonna meet with smart people in two weeks two figure all of his policies about. Sidenote: Are the American flag pins on everyone’s lapel designed to siphon their life force as payment to Satan?
1:46:00 – Jeb Bush gets upset enough to defend his brother, which was evident by his voice increasing a tenth of a decibel. A defense which receives the loudest round of applause all night.
1:50:03 – Carson awkwardly accepts Trump’s half-fist-bump-half-handshake
2:16:06 – Yes, marijuana is a gateway drug. In that most marijuana drug dealers set up shop next to some back alley gateways to avoid attention.
2:35:56 – For some reason in a presidential debate on national television, one of the questions is which secret service codename each candidate would want. Here’s what I would name each of them: BridgeStopper for Christie (because of the NJ incident and since he can’t bridge the partisan gap), Historical Footnote for Bush (in a year he’ll be known as the brother of a president and the son of another), Swing Statesman for Kasich (you know, Ohio), Turn-Me-On for Fiorina (self-explanatory), Harley Quinn for Walker (he chose Harley but he’s a little more devious), China for Trump (hopefully it leads to an identity crisis), Hearing Aid for Carson (obvious), Tom Cruise for Cruz (gives him personality), Polo for Rubio (duh), Dog-the-bounty-hunter for Huckabee (he said duck hunter but that’s too cool for him)
2:42:14 – It’s rather telling of how much cachet Republicans put in a two-hundred year old document and even morethey have in a two-thousand year old book. Conservatism. Even the word itself is against progress.