GOP Debate: How Much Do We Really Hate Women?
I’ve had a delightfully relaxing week, which means I’m due for a bit of torture to even the balance of the universe. This time, I’ve decided to watch the fire hazard that is the Republican Presidential Debate. The most hilarious part of this – and there are bound to be a lot – is that there were actually two debates. One had the bottom seven candidates in the polls (all of which Roger Ailes probably made up) without a live audience; the echoing silence in the room doing nothing for Lindsey Graham’s quiet Southern charm. (Sidenote: Lindsey Graham and Ricky Santorum are this year’s headliners for Senators with names that make them sound like hot white girls) While the winner of the first debate – if you can call an executive that ran a Fortune-500 company into the ground and knows dick-all about policy a winner – was Carly Fiorina, it was the only highlight for a Republican woman all night. We’ll pick it up at the start of the second, more important one:
4:00 – They have heat maps for presidential candidates? It’s fitting because we’re in Quicken Loans Arena, which is home to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Or something.
5:13 – Chris Wallace just pandered to LeBron. I thought I liked Chris Wallace.
5:15 – Just realized that Chris Wallace said that they might find the next king (a la LeBron) in the field tonight. I thought conservatives said ‘King’ Obama with derision?
6:44 – “That’s awkward” by Megyn Kelly encapsulates the night so far
12:02 – Ted Cruz looks notably less intelligent than Rick Perry because of the glasses thing.
13:30 – The moderator Bret Baier looks like the Chesire Cat
19:00 – A fantastic opening by Marco Rubio… he didn’t even need any water to get through it.
22:10 – I’m not sure who I’m rooting for more in this Megyn Kelly-Donald Trump standoff. On one hand, Megyn’s career can be summed up as The Onion without knowing she’s supposed to be satirical. On the other hand, Trump thinks that being derogatory towards women is a refreshing take on political correctness. Shit, I’m rooting for Megyn.
27:24 – And Chris Wallace unknowingly hits on the crux of the Republican party. Paraphrasing: “some people agree with you, but more don’t. How do you still convince enough people to get elected.” If more of them don’t, you’re probably not the one who’s correct.
31:00 – The first mention of God! I wonder if he was making smalltalk with the Pope all this time
34:30 – I feel like vomiting every time I hear the volume of cheers when Trump talks
36:00 – Donald Trump’s only source is a few border patrol guards… that’s like citing your friend’s blog on an essay
44:16 – The moderator’s strategy of pitting candidates against one another finally pays off with a Christie-Paul back-and-forth. Paul was winning until he pulled an unnecessary lowblow about Christie-Obama hug. Partially because it’s impossible to give Christie a full hug without Elasti-girl powers.
52:30 – I fell asleep… probably from looking at Trump’s eye-bags. Gosh, they’re disgusting.
1:05:31 – Ben Carson invokes the Alinsky model, which is a fancy way of saying what Trump said, that all Democrats are stupid. Did I mention he’s a doctor?
1:07:48 – In response to “How specifically do you grow the economy,” Jeb Bush and Scott Walker join in a duet of “set high goals.”
1:20:00 – Sanctions don’t work, so we get a deal. Oh, you don’t like the deal?
1:24:34 – Jeb Bush says he created a culture of “life” in Florida. People have been stabbed over harmonicas and jailed over peanut butter, had sex with pitbulls (not the rapper, although that’s only slightly less defensible), fought with food at In-N-Out, been beaten to a soundtrack of Blurred Lines (#iknowyouwantit), attacked by donkeys and airborne fish andwater buffalo and pythons and lingerie and zombies, self-mutilated their penis and testicles, folded each other into couches, assaulted with spaghetti and potato salad, bitten over blonde jokes, punched over forgotten garlic knots, and driven lawnmowers while drunk. I only made one of those up. (It was the In-N-Out one… there aren’t any in Florida!) So I guess you are for life, Jeb. Just not for the lives of women.
1:29:02 – Jeb also makes the terrible mistake of trying to talk to Donald Trump with cool rationale. Fatal move, buddy. Trump counters with how Christians are getting their heads cut off.
1:30:36 – John Kasich with a great answer on the typical “what if your kid was gay” question.
1:35:11 – Every time Trump talks, I can only picture him saying that he wants to date his daughter
1:39:26 – Huckabee brings his transphobia to the forefront. Reminds me of the time he had a commercial that said we’re all going to hell. You first, Mikey boy.
1:43:22 – This is a real question they’re asking now: “I want to know if any of [the candidates] have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first.” On a related note, the Facebook user who submitted that question goes by the name of Chase A. Norton. What part of separation of church and state is so hard to get?!
1:44:02 – Ted Cruz, who’s more enjoyable when you picture him as a less-funny version of Ted the bear, brings up the Bible and the scripture. Always a fun time to note that the ‘traditional marriage’ model of the Bible was polygamy.
1:44:08 – Also noteworthy that the current stage of candidates looks a bit like the authors of the bible. Read: nine old white men (plus Marco Rubio) who will never have to get an abortion.
1:47:06 – Rubio somehow gets through saying “God has blessed the Republican party with some great candidates” without laughing. I think the corpse of Ronald Reagan is gaining in the polls this very minute.
1:47:11 – Spoke too soon… there’s a trace of a smirk.
1:48:39 – Megyn Kelly asking the black guy about race relations is the problem! You ask the guys who aren’t oppressed about what they’d do about oppression.
1:50:00 – If John Kasich mentions how he balanced the budget one more time…
1:53:34 – This is turning into a contest to see who’d slap Planned Parenthood in the face with their dick the hardest.
1:57:24 – It’s over! Just as my eyes were closing for a second time, Chris Wallace’s gravelly tones made me wish I had fallen asleep earlier. I hope I didn’t miss Ben Carson pulling out his penis to get attention, since he only got to talk for like thirty seconds.
Quick Tangent: Trump after the debate said that Megyn Kelly had blood coming out everywhere, which completed the holy six-pointed star of misogyny, a feat that was last accomplished two hundred years ago by Thomas Edison. He started by saying Kelly embellished the facts, following it up by saying he’s always been nice to her just to get some pity points. He then upped the ante by proclaiming himself too important to care about things like decency and respect, and doubled down on that point by calling on the much-hated term of “political correctness” – really someone’s way of bitching about how other people having problems is itself the problem. Of course, there was the token ‘dirt off your shoulder’ move where he claimed it was all a joke, and topping it off with a period joke to start the whole cycle (no pun intended) again. You can hate Trump, and you should, but you should definitely hire his debate coaching team.
I think the best outcome of watching this is that I’ll never have to file the paperwork to be a Republican, and that I can now name off 15 of the 17 candidates from memory. Which, in a few months, will be a rather comprehensive list of historical footnotes.