Dinesh D'Souza and the Calamity of Coconuts
Coconuts, as you are no doubt aware, are the only species of the genus Cocos and rather delightful fruits. They are versatile, as they can be used for decoration, beauty products, and in rare cases as human sustenance. Notably, they have a brown, hairy exterior and a smooth white interior. The interior, known as the endosperm, is the primary object of desire, an object in pursuit of which the husk is quickly discarded.
Approximately 60 years ago, the coconut evolved. It manifested itself in human form, morphing its hairy brown shell into a hairy brown layer of skin. Unaware of human customs, it took the strangely incongruous name Dinesh D'Souza. While the coconut retained its original intelligence – none – it desperately sought to show its inner color(s).
While the average coconut would simply wait, perhaps somewhere on a breezy beach, to be cracked open and the whiteness unleashed, D'Souza was an evolved form. The whiteness at his core sought an escape, permeating his thoughts and actions over the course of decades. It was evident over everything he said and did, and the kind of person he typified.
There was a time (very, very long ago) where D'Souza could have been mentioned alongside the intellectual conservatives, the Ben Shapiro, Bill Kristol-types (and the Paul-Ryan-before-he-turned-out-to-be-a-dumbass types). But then he retweeted someone with emojis in their name (an instantaneous red flag, double red flag if it's just the American flag) and unironically added the caption "very interesting & not in the least bit surprising" (which has shades of Trump's "Thank you Kanye, very cool" tweet), ending his bid to be ever taken seriously. It's inaccurate to say that he pivoted to this new look, when it was more like a retreat after being shunned by people (conservatives) once considered his peers.
D'Souza is the kind of polemicist to identify the former president as the unsavory "B. Hussein Obama," as if emphasizing his brown middle name was a way to attack his character. He's the kind of apologist to re-brand racism as "rational discrimination," apparently not realizing that the definition of discrimination includes the word 'unjust'. (He goes on to say that "rational discrimination against young black men can be fully eradicated only by getting rid of destructive conduct by the group… it is difficult to compel people to admire groups many of whose members do not act admirably.") He's the kind of writer to label sociologists as 'bigots with credentials', a passage in which he posited himself as a "law-abiding person" (a hypothesis which has since been proven false). He's the kind of philanderer to (allegedly) date both Ann Coulter and the slightly-younger-looking-but-really-the-same-person Laura Ingraham, and then (also allegedly) have a fiancée while also having a wife (a story that was uncovered while he was set to speak at a conservative conference on Christian values). And he's the kind of dick to mock the survivors of the Parkland shooting, saying that the Florida House's vote to not ban assault weapons was the "worst news since their parents told them to get summer jobs."
All of this is simply an eventuality from the day of his transformation . D'Souza was destined for whiteness when he was awarded the last name "D'Souza", an achievement that meant he didn't even have to modify his first name (a common practice among prominent Indian-Americans à la Piyush "Bobby" Jindal) because his last name made up for it. Even Rohit Khanna, a Democratic representative from California, goes by "Ro". At least Raj Shah – the number two to Sarah Huckabee Sanders – doesn't go by another name, although at this point, Raj is pretty much a white name anyway. It would almost be like if I went by Dave, which I only do for coffeeshops and not for political office. The only way his name could be even better was if he had a 'v' in the middle like Sebastian v. Gorka, which looks like his first name is suing his last name – a fitting symbol for a coconut.
This very dichotomy of coconuts is interesting – while there are those like D'Souza who are determined to assimilate to the extent that they lose (or rather, discard) their roots and perspective, there are also those who never shed the exterior and avoid crafting a new identity. Naturally, there is an in-between where most immigrants find comfort, a space in which most of their brown-ness is encapsulated in language, food, yoga (albeit the 'hot' variety), and the song Beware by Jay-Z. But D'Souza's whiteness is so repressed that it abhors the melanin-laden Obama, is drawn to women who fit a certain stereotype, and lashes out at anyone (even children) who disagree with his line of thinking. And while this highlight reel doesn't even include his greatest hits (like the time he outed LGBT students, his alliance with Ted Cruz, his fearmongering conspiracy-laden critically-panned 'documentaries', every single thing he says about slavery in his book The End of Racism, his defense of the British colonialism of India, and uhh he was also convicted of a felony but let's not get into that), it shows that but for his skin, you can hardly tell that he ever had a brown exterior at all.
You might wonder why it's even worth discussing D'Souza if he's another standard-issue crazy conservative. Because it's not bad to be a conservative person. But then again, he's not a person. He's a coconut. And that's where the problem lies.
Just as B. Hussein Obama set the standard for future black politicians, coconuts in the mold of D'Souza and Jindal (the most prominent Indian-American politician in history) will do the same for the brown. And in this responsibility – one which he is undoubtedly aware of considering that he brings up the label of 'immigrant' more than once – D'Souza is nothing but an Uncle Tom. He's the type to call fellow brown man and New York attorney Preet Bharara a brown-noser. This is one of several statements he's made about Bharara, who is really the only person (apart from Hillary and Obama, of course) he's actively made a point to criticize. And again, if it weren't obvious from his name, he's brown, making the Bharara-D'Souza spat brown-on-brown crime. Two coconuts smashing into each other is not a pretty sight for any other coconut out there.
At some point, the color will eventually fade (à la Michael Jackson) and only the endosperm will remain. Rather than a steady drip, it will be out in full force, no longer confined by the outer brown shell. Maybe one day D'Souza will be so white that he will star in an infomercial for an artificial Christmas tree with a dying fire in the background, an apt metaphor for who he is. Oh, he already did that?