Australian Boomer: Matthew Dellavedova
Matthew Dellavedova is without a doubt, the absolute whitest guy to play in the Finals since Mike Miller, who wins by virtue of having a whiter name. He’s also the absolute worst, not just because he’s not that great of a basketball player, but because of all the hero worship that he’s gotten after playing a series that by any other player’s standards would be considered forgettable. I’m not altogether convinced that Miller’s decaying corpse (you can actually start to smell it through the TV) couldn’t do better than Delly has. (Sidenote: Really, we’re going with ‘Delly’? The word that sounds like the place that sells cheeses and random foreign foods?)
Delly had a stretch of 20 games to start the season where he shot 18.4% combined on two-pointers. Remember when Stephen Curry had that abominable 5-23 shooting game? That comes out to 21.7%. So Delly consistently shot even worse than that. Kobe Bryant, in his worst season this year, shot 37% over 35 games. Delly didn’t even shot half as well. It’s the same mark that LeBron has shot on three-pointers this entire postseason. In their Game 1 loss, he somehow mustered enough sense to not shoot at all. He then attempted 10, 17, and 14 shots respectively, and made a grand total of 13. He’s taken one-legged running threes when no one’s within three feet of him, gotten the ball jackhammered away from him by Shaun Livingston, fired up twenty-seven footers with 22 seconds still left on the shot clock, forced awkward shots in the lane when there are four players better at offense than he is on the floor. And those are just the ones I remember.
But he’s not there for offense, he’s there for defense right? After all, his defensive acumen has been proven from the time he scissored Taj Gibson, went kamikaze on Kyle Korver,pissed the crap out of Al Horford, and might as well have received an NFL penalty forgoing low on Draymond Green. And he’s continued that splendid track record by allowing his man, Stephen Curry, to shoot 28-57 (excluding the nightmare game that they almost won), which is very nearly 50%. To give him some credit, he does have rather excellent ball denial skills, which is partially due to his ability to morph into a tornado (not entirely sure if that counts as cheating). Like most supervillians, he’s not particularly conservative with his powers, which has led to dehydration, cramps, coffee addiction, and a renewed belief in his exceptional stupidity as an athlete. He was taken off on a stretcher, which is somewhere between the ‘LeBroning’ phenomenon of being carried by your teammates and the infamous Paul Pierce wheelchair game on the scale of shame.
He seems to have broken the NBA Finals record for most unnecessary dives on the floor, which kind of makes sense, because it’s the only thing he can do. Kind of how Ray Allen has an elite skill of shooting, James Harden has the skill of drawing fouls when his own teammates try to dislodge debris from his beard, and Kendrick Perkins has the ability to look and be as useful as a melting hippo on a basketball court – Delly doesn’t really have anything else he’s good at. So he’s reserved to using his body as a sacrificial projectile and hope he doesn’t split his own head open. Which is all the more disappointing, because I’d totally launch myself at LeBron’s exposed penis and get paid a million bucks. Oh well.