Biden' His Time: The First Demo Debate
I admit it, it’s an addiction. I love debates. If I end up on one of the presidential debates (on schedule for 2040), I’ll be scribbling my running diary on the mysterious papers that candidates always have in front of them. This promises to be an exceptionally uninteresting debate, considering it doesn’t have the fire of Chris Christie, the awkwardness of Marco Rubio, and the vomit-inducing spittle of John Kasich (just kidding, Kasich never gets to talk).
7:00 – CNN wastes no time in hiring Michael Bay to produce their lead-in trailer, even going as far to give the candidates nicknames. Hilary Clinton is the frontrunner, Bernie Sanders the surprise threat. Martin O’Malley, Jim Webb, and Lincoln Chafee don’t even get cool nicknames
12:05 – I wonder which candidate will be speaking when CNN cuts to a shot of Joe Biden’s jet touching down in Vegas.
17:37 – Don Lemon’s face looks strangely like a guava. By the way, he’s the guy who said “A lot of people have been asking about that, about black holes, and on and on.” when talking about the missing Malaysian airlines plane, and “there are ways not to perform oral sex if you didn’t want to do it ... meaning the using of the teeth” when suggesting that Bill Cosby rape victims didn’t do enough to protect themselves. Never go full Ben Carson, Don.
22:23 – We take a trip through Jim Webb’s family lineage through a fairly solid opening number. This is also the guy who Tweeted out an article that supported him, only to realize that it was a parody article.
27:59 – #feelthebern. Also I wonder what happened to Jake Tapper. Is he alive after that bomb he dropped in the Republican debate?
28:30 – Every candidate has mentioned ‘children’ and their well-being so far. I don’t think Joe Biden is the missing candidate… it’s Kanye West. Listen to the kids, bro!
37:02 – Anderson Cooper strikes an unnecessary blow at Lincoln Chafee, “must be a pretty soft block of granite.” At least he’s letting Chafee talk. Which is unfortunate, because his voice is chafing against my soul.
49:20 – A little face-off between Sanders and O’Malley gets the latter riled up when Sanders suggests he should ‘check out Congress sometime.’
57:53 – As Bernie plugs his website and encourages us to watch some pixelated video of how he was right in 2003, it’s worth noting that Anderson’s doing a great job of moderating. On a related note Jake Tapper is actually alive! I Googled it and everything. He still has a show, which means people actually want to watch him. Weird.
61:10 – Jim Webb, though right in saying he hasn’t gotten to talk in a while, is certainly coming off as a dick while complaining about it.
69:24 – With a lull in the action, it’s time to check in with Donald Trump’s live-tweeting session. He hasn’t actually Tweeted anything clever, but merely re-tweeted less-than-funny comments by his followers. Birds of a feather…
79:42 – “The American people are tired of hearing about your damn e-mail!” Bernie’s face gets a slight shade redder as Hillary shakes his hand (we’re averaging one handshake per debate now) and belts her fake Fallon-esque laugh.
106:23 – The fundamental problem with the ‘controversy’ over the #BlackLivesMatter statement is that it doesn’t matter that All Lives Matter. It’s like saying 2+2 is 4, and then having a barrage of people saying that 8-4 is also 4. Yes, it’s a statement of fact, but we’re not talking about eights right now! Twos are smaller in number, and they’ve always been prime but no one likes to recognize that!
111:02 – And there’s the first mention of professional hand-gesturer and (according to O’Malley) carnival barker Donald Trump. I like these quick-hitter topics, like ‘How would you not be a third Obama term,’ ‘Edward Snowden: Traitor or Hero,’ and ‘Would you hug Chris Christie if he became president?’ Also, Hillary’s answer to the second one was ‘I’m a woman.’ Oh really Hillary? Why didn’t you point out that Obama has man-boobs and you don’t? I hope she respects women voters enough to know that they vote the issues, not gender.
124:50 – Jim Webb’s perpetual need for a lozenge coupled with his slightly-off-center tie make him a distinctly unappealing candidate. Too bad he’s the only one that discussed nuclear power favorably. I’m torn.
131:44 – The conversation on legalizing weed is stopped short by party-pooper Clinton, who not only won’t take a position on it, but says she won’t start smoking it. She does know what her husband did every time he walked out to the podium for a press conference?
140:28 – Hillary Clinton reads off her whole list of enemies on live television, while Jim Webb says his biggest enemy was the guy who injured him except he’s nowhere to be found. Wait… did he just pass over the fact that he murdered some dude? And was that guy former famous person Cuba Gooding Jr, star of the straight-to-DVD film The Hit List? I think Hillary’s going to hire him.
144:00 – O’Malley with an excellent closing statement. Too bad he’s polling at 0.4%, which is probably lower than newly entered candidate ‘Margin of Error.’ Sidenote: I think an O’Mallet was the name of the instrument Webb used to kill that guy.
149:22 – Clinton’s like that girl that you’re into because you’re supposed to be… she’s experienced, will laugh (cackle is a more accurate term, but still) at your jokes, forgets which e-mail she’s using when you question her about it, and won’t mind if you occasionally have oral sex with some other girl in your own house. But then you realize that you yourself are actually Sanders, and you’re gonna say the exact same things you do behind closed doors in public.
Not only was that a civil debate which avoided personal back-and-forths, but the big winner here was probably President Obama – every candidate commended him, and O’Malley stopped short of calling him a magician. Maybe his second in command will let us in on his secrets by the next debate.