The Hateful Eight: AirBears
Oh there you are! It’s still Hate Week, and I’m very fortunate to announce a very special unplanned guest appearance. You might say that you could have seen it coming, but really, did you want to spoil the surprise? Here's my interview with AirBears2.
Uday: Thanks very much for being here, I know your service is really in demand, so it means a lot that you’d step away from that.
AirBears2: It’s no problem at all. Really. No problem.
UM: Let’s discuss how you started out. You were created by scientists in a lab. AirBearsTwo was an effort to clone AirBears – kind of like Mew and Mewtwo. Why do you think you were necessary?
AB2: Well, the worst thing was that my name was even less imaginative than Mewtwo’s *laughs.* But think about it. AirBears was very rare, almost impossible to find at times. Once you found it, it would stick around for a while. But it was only a matter of time before AirBears grew disgruntled with our campus and left. So they had to clone it. It didn’t go all too smoothly, and because of that, I’m a bit meaner and scarier looking than my original. But the good thing is that my powers are stronger – I even destroyed ResComp. I show up all over the place – even if it is to cause trouble – when you’re not expecting me.
UM: What would you say to detractors who claim that CalVisitor is better than you?
AB2: But it’s not secured! Do you want everyone knowing about that porn you wa—
UM: I don’t…
AB2: Or the fact that you secretly listen to “Trini Dem Girls” by Nicki Minaj on repeat? My services are only for the campus community. No schmuck can get in these pants.
UM: *shudders* Let’s talk about that. Every user has a unique login password for you. But it’s a random string of numbers and letters. Why would you do that to us?
AB2: You’re college kids – nowhere old enough to be making your own decisions. And if it’s really that hard to remember, just keep it in the cloud for easy access.
UM: But… we can’t access the cloud if we don’t have internet. It’s almost impossible to connect to you on our phones!
AB2: You think too much. Listen, I’m the one who makes ‘Netflix and chill’ possible for you. I’m the one who puts Daiso and their one-dollar Ethernet cables out of business. I’m the reason you can Google all the answers to your homework problems.
UM: *grumbling* I bet the number two public university in the world has some decent Wi-Fi.
AB2: Hey, any chance I could sleep over?
UM: Don’t you have to get back to work?
AB2: I’ll go in at noon – banker’s hours. I’ll blame it on a fire or something.